We naturally gravitate towards what’s most important to us in times of need.
I’ve had an urge building up in me over the past few days, until tonight, tonight that urge completely overwhelmed me. All I wanted to do was drive to you and make sure you know that you are the love of my life. I am so in love with you, there’s nothing that will ever change that. You are the best thign that ever happened to me.
I know I made mistake after mistake, some pretty awful, I need you to know that in my mind, my logic was sound. I was willing and happy to do or be part of anything, no matter the cost to either one of use as long as we were figting for each other. I hated myself and some of the things that happened between us, I thought the ends justified the means. Everything I did, said or just let go was because I knew in my heart we were worth it, I knew I was worth it and I knew you were worth it. Everything i’ve said so far are just words, they don’t really mean anything.
I know that I can’t contact you ever again, I know I must let you make your own way. It’s unlikely that we will ever find our way back to each other, but we did it once before and with everyting I’ve endurerd up to know and what’s to come, I could never completely give up on us, nor would I ever want to. You’ve given me the greatets gift of all, our relationsship forced me to explore how iw it possible that two people, who loved each other more than anything in the world coudlnt; mke it work no matter how hard we tried, it nver made sense to me but I had no idea what to do about it.
Getting my BPD diagnosis, while terrifying at times, has made me look at my childhood, my family and myslef and others in a way I refused to do before. It’s insane that I didn’t understand the vast majority of nmy own emotions, developed terrible coping mechanisms, inflicitng pain on others and myself.
No mater ehat the future holds, Sam, I love you with all my heart and I wouldn’t want it any other way.