This past week was very difficult for me! I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I have BPD. I’ve shared my story with a few people close to me and while I don’t think it’s really given anyone more insight into who I am and why I am the way I am, but they have all been supportive and are definitely trying to understand what life is like for me. From a pretty young age I knew I was different, I could never tell you exactly why I felt that way and even if I could I would just get told everyone feels that way, I have no idea what others feel, so that may be true, it doesn’t make my feelings any less true. The thing I am struggling with the most is knowing that the things that make me unique, my quirks, my insights, my flaws and my strengths. Everything that makes me.. well me.. are traits of mood and personality disorders.
How do I trust myself or someone else? I won;t hide who I am so if someone does love me does that mean they are inherently broken and I can’t trust them. Will I still feel the need to destroy the things that mean the most to me because I know I am inherently broken? How do I come to terms with the idea that the world will see me as bad no matter what I do because people with BPD are the devil.
All things considered I have always liked who I was, I know I have major issues, but I also know how deeply I can love, show compassion and am fiercely loyal. I don’t see the world black and white, I’ve never had that luxury, I would hate myself if I looked at life that way. I have always and will always try to use all of my skills, the good and bad ones, when my motives seam misguided, I am still trying to be a good worthwhile person.
They feel like opposing ideas and an impossible task.