I was getting ready to leave for the cottage, I was doing the dishes and I had a flashback of when Sam would do the dishes. Sam would often put knives in the draining board sharp side up, I would end up poking myself and getting mad at Sam. That’s not what happened today though, today I burst into tears and said out loud over and over that that I didn’t care about that stuff, I didn’t care about that stuff. Truthfully I didn’t really care about that stuff, I didn’t like that Sam did it, but it wasn’t a big deal and there was no reason for me to react as hostile as I usually would. I tried to put it all out of my head, so I could get on the road.
That worked for a while, until I decided to make a detour on my way, I was not prepared for what happened next. Without realizing it, I had followed my GPS and ended up right in the middle of a place full of memories of me and Sam. Ice cream, the side street and A&W. I had been triggered in a big way, I was hysterical, I couldn’t stop crying. I felt so broken and so ashamed of myself. For the two hours I could barely keep it together as I drove to the cottage. A few times I was hyperventilating so badly I had to pull over just so I could catch my breath.
I know that I did bad things, but I ma not a bad person, I am not my actions. It’s ok to feel badly about things from the past and it’s ok to feel good about things in the past as well. There is nothing black and white between or about me and Sam.