Decisions

I wanted to write about the decisions I made and how I don’t regret them, but no matter how many times I wrote, it never made sense. I decided that I would stay with Sam no matter what, even if things never got better, I would still spend my life with her. I know that sounds ridiculous but it was how I felt. I genuinely liked who she was, I loved spending time with her, I was very attracted to her and I always believed in her and I was head over heals in love with her.

I wrote the above after I had been missing Sam more than normal, I guess I wanted to feel good about something. While I had no idea back then that the things I wanted to be proud of were actually harmful to the relationship, I with absolute certainty gave Sam the best I was capable of at the time. I’ve tried not to let myself remember all the good that was in our relationship, because there was so much good between us. We were happy the majority of the time, at least I was. I believed that our major problem was something that could be fixed, I believed that our biggest issues were outside forces and not us directly, there is some truth to that even now, but we we never made the decision to make it our responsibility and make sure we handled our problems in a healthy WAY.

Nothing I wrote makes any sense, I just really wanted to feel, even just for a moment, how I felt when Sam and I were together and things were really good between us. I know that’s silly and pointless,probably even destructive.