Today I left for 2 weeks at the cottage, the day started out ok but once I drove out of the city and got a bit up north I was completely overtaken by flashbacks, memories and familiar places, it was more than I could handle. I had no idea how to feel, what I was feeling or how to deal with any of it. I stopped at a place I knew and hated for a couple of hours and just cycled from being totally numb, crying and screaming over and over. I may have even passed out from exhausting at one point, but once I was out of energy a calm came over me.
I was excited about something, I was happy that I was going to be in the water and hopefully do some diving and all kinds of other stuff. I realized that ya I may be sad that Sam isn’t with me, but I wasn’t lonely, I have always been happy doing things on my own. So I gave myself permission to miss her when I did, to be sad when I was sad, but to be happy when I was happy as well and to have fun and do the things that i liked.