This morning I woke up in a really dark place, I feel so unbelievably guilty and shameful for a lot of things I said and did while I was with Sam, I know that my heart was in the right place the vast majority of the time but I still did things that hurt her and it’s awful feeling.
I thought I had been through the worst of this already, but these past few days have been the hardest yet. This is my favorite time of year, but everything I do and every where I go, I am reminded of her, my eyes have tricked me to believe I saw her. I experience crippling anxiety while I am out and in public, I just want to get out and get back home.
I feel like I am on death row just counting the hours and minutes before my execution. I know the way I feel is unreasonable, I have no reason to think friday will be any different then any other day. The bad things happened close to 9 months ago, and there is no reason for any kind of hope. Sam made the decision that she felt was best for her and that hasn’t changed in any way, I have no idea if Sam has ever even thought about me since she left.
I know I’ll make it through this like I have made it through everything else in my life, this is just the first time that I have ever not wanted to move on, I never thought I would have to move on, I truly believed I had found my future.