A few unexpected events and I find myself in a unpleasant predicament now. I had no plans of contacting Sam again, especially this week but unless I put her above me yet again, I will have to contact and possibly see her. My plans for the immediate future changed and I am not able to care for her cat anymore. Though I should never had that put on me in the first place. I got extremely anxious about all of this, I was ready for next week to be difficult but I was caught off guard how difficult packing and getting ready for hell week would be.
So I reached out to my angel Zee and talked it over with her, what I thought would be 15 - 20 min turned into over an hour of playing out as many scenarios out that I could think of. I was proud of myself because historically I would have let it build within me for days before I asked for help, but this time I knew I didn’t want to dwell on anything, I wanted to talk about it.
I quickly realized that I had spent so much time and energy walking on egg shells around Sam, No matter how perfectly I planned or tried to taylor things for uncomfortable topics, I never knew how bad her reaction would be. I’m not blaming just her, as when I just let thing build up in me, the resentment towards her would build and inevitably a blowout would happen. I had become so habituated to this kind of thinking that I didn’t realize until I worked through the scenario with someone how truly crazy it is that I ever accepted that as normal or acceptable behavior.
Everyday that goes by and every time I process something it’s so obvious that I can never have a long term relationship with someone that either can’t or doesn’t want to share and all the complex feelings that we all feel. It’s the best part of having someone special.