Yesterday was a good day, It felt like I turned a corner in the way I was going to move forward. I made a big realization and was very happy about it, things made a lot more sense to me afterwords. BUT, Life has never really let me have anything more than a few moments here and there before it starts all over again. The only trigger I know of is it’s officially 6 days until hell week begins. That’s enough on it’s own but no matter how much progress and healing I do, I always end up back and the same place. I don’t understand how someone that tells me they love me all the time, is talking about having a child mere days before up and vanishing. I was honest with Sam about this from the start and anytime we had bigger issues I made it a point to speak to hear about how we should end if we ever ahd to, but it still happened, she still did it. I truly don’t understand what could possibly make someone behave like that.
I know this says more about Sam than it does me, but that doesn’t make the pain any easier to process. Sam either thought about what she was doing and decide to do it anyway or she just never thought about what she was doing, I have no idea which one would be worse. This is by far my biggest hurdle to climb, it colors everything else and it truly does alter my feelings and view about Sam and my feelings for her for the entire 6 years.
One unfortunate thing I’ve notices lately is that a person’s bad choices or behaviors rarely affects the person themselves, it seems to affect the people that care about them so much more. I can certainly see that in my life now.