I was lucky enough to have one more session with Eleven today, it was bitter sweet. We laughed and talked for close to 2 hours it was a great bookend to our adventure together. In typical El fashion she left with me something to sink my teeth into, she asked me how I would describe myself and I struggled to answer the question. Historically I would have had no trouble with such a question, I have work to do just like everyone else but I am happy with who I am and the direction my life is going. An unexpected or possible expected side affect was I need to change where I have been focusing my energy and focus on the future, even if that means going day to day. It also gave me the words to write that final letter to Sam that I knew I needed to do. The letter isn’t going to be sent, the letter is for me not her.
Thank you for everything El!
Note
After writing this I almost deleted it because I felt very much like an imposter but decided against it. These are my words and they are what I ultimately want.
THE LETTER
Dear Sam,
With everything I have, I sincerely apologize for the pain and heartbreak I caused you. I hope you know that I loved you and I never wanted to hurt you, just as I know you never wanted any of that for me. We love each other more than I knew was possible, we gave our relationship everything we had, we clawed and fought to make it work. Somewhere along the way we each lost our way. Neither of us have to be bad people for that to happen, we weren’t equipped or ready for the kind of love we found with each other. I’ve spent so much energy trying to understand or interpret your and my words and actions. I Know now the only thing that matters is how I feel about us. I don’t regret us, I wouldn’t trade being with you for anything in the world. You saw me so differently than anyone ever had before, you loved me to the best of your ability just as I did you.
I’m not going to spend my time and energy trying to get over you anymore, I’ll love you for for the rest of my life, but with each day the pain I feel will be a little less. Eventually I will just be left with knowing we spent almost 5 years loving each other and that’s something I would never want to forget. I forgive you for everything but I also forgive myself for everything, I think that is the best thing I could ever do for both of us.
I wish you all the best, I hope you find happiness and I hope you find the light inside you.
~T