We are more hurt by our own expectations of others than the by their actions
This is a sentiment I have been hearing for a couple of years now, but I’ve never been able to wrap my head around it. I love learning, I have a lot of hobbies and interests and I have a lot fo things I want to do in life, which means I have somewhat high expectations of myself.
When it came to Sam, through no fault of her own, she lacked a lot of skills that most people had a good handle on by now. A few simple examples are that Sam had never cooked a real meal before, she had never done laundry or cleaned anything more than her room. So I showed her how to cook, and then let her lose in the kitchen so she could learn. I showed her how to do laundry and that she needed to things on the floor and clean under them not just a round them. I thoroughly enjoyed watching her make mistakes, it was very entertaining to watch. Over time Sam became an amazing cook, very quickly she could cook better than me. It didn’t take long for her to have no trouble with the majority of daily life.
A few more complicated examples are that Sam struggled to plan out anything, Sam was scared to disappoint anyone and she found it very difficult to believe in herself. I showed Sam the power of lists and calendars, that mistakes are just part of learning and asking her for help is a sign of strength not a weakness. It didn’t seem to matter what I tried Sam just couldn’t see that she had already had all of these skills, that she was facing the same problems that just looked a little different. She would create a schedule for the week with things to do from morning to night to the minute. It would be clear to anyone else that no one could keep that kind of schedule, let alone someone just learning these skills.
I always wanted to give Sam the best life I could, but with that came a problem. I couldn’t see that I was putting expectations on her and because she struggled to believe in herself, learning new things became anxiety inducing for her. This just keep playing over an over again to the point where it didn’t feel like we were working together anymore but against each other.
Just another example of the best intensions gone very wrong.