I’m not sure If I will keep this post up, it’s not very helpful right now.

Summary

It’s clear to me that Sam was never committed, she likely never attached and was just exploring life. The fight we had that night is not what caused our relationship to end, it was an excuse for her. I am not sure what changed or when it changed for her, but it has been crystal clear that Sam will always put Sam first.
I can throw all kinds of terms around like future-faking and other abusive behaviors, but that doesn’t help.

We were suppose to have our actual wedding this time last year at the cottage. Sam was suppose to be planning the day.
She was free to make it whatever she wanted the day to be. What Sam actually did was not mention the wedding at all to me.
I wasn’t going to ask her about it, it was up to her to be responsible and have conversations together about all of it. It was suppose to be fun and exciting, but it wasn’t that at all. It was the same behavior that Sam had always shown. Sam had already been wearing her wedding rings for 6 months and was very happy to tell everyone that she was married. Then there’s how bad she wanted a kid, she even stopped her birth control and didn’t think I should know about that.

What makes all of this so hard is that none of this should have been a surprise to me, I know she left that day with her mind made up and never thought about us again. She knew she was never going to speak to me again and that was fine with her. I know that because I have seen her do it over and over. She didn’t talk to me about important fun things, how was she ever going to be a decent partner or parent. I made excuse after excuse for her, I explained away everything bad about her. I blamed it on her mother, lack of experience, mental health and any other justification I could find.

This is so painful because I want to get angry at her and hate her, I have every reason to feel that way, she treated me horribly.
I’m the one to blame though, I’m the one that stayed with her, I’m the one that let her back home time after time. If I have any kind of self respect I would have counted my blessings that day and just moved on. Sam wasn’t very eloquent but the one thing that she keep throwing in my face wheen we were fighting about me being able to rely and count on her,
she would say to me, “You’re the one that keeps choosing to stay with me”, I was such an odd thing to say that
I was never able to see that she meant it, she told me over and over, all she cares about is herself. She is lazy, unreliable and dishonest, I wont bring up the amber alert, that would make her seem like a psycho killer.

I fell like I am in complete darkness now, it really did take me 8 months after she left to figure all of this stuff out. I was in such denial, I couldn’t, I wouldn’t accept that the woman I loved with all my heart, didn’t care about me. All Sam ever cared about was Sam, that was the only thing you could count on with her.

I’m ashamed of myself and I fucking hate myself because even now, I am so in love with her, and I miss her so much.
I know it’s unlikely that I will ever fall out of love with her, I will just have to learn to live with that burden.

The silver lining, I guess is that I’ll never make any of those mistakes again, I’ve grown and learned so much about myself.
I understand other people and how relationships work in a much deeper way now and I’m not afraid anymore.
I am looking forward to this time around, it’s already started in a better place than any relationship I’ve had before.

Full Ranting Post

Ever Since I heard that song this weekend, I have been struggling to process my emotions. It feels like a tsunami of new feelings and new emotions, but they aren’t new. I’ve had these feelings and I have been distorting reality for a long time.

As much as I truly just want to crawl under my bed and never come out, hopefully fade into the darkness. All the work I have done has given me a whole new set of tools to use and different ways to look at things. I understand that what I am experiencing is very complicated, but it’s OK for me to feel whatever I feel. Normally I would try to stop myself from saying and feeling in absolutes, but in this case, That’s exactly what I need to do now, Sam was telling me and showing me everything I needed to know for years. It’s not her fault, it’s mine, I refused to believe what she was telling me, I refused to see the truth. In my core I believe in the people I love, no matter what happens and without doubt believed that we could solve anything. It never occurred to me that Sam didn’t feel the same, but I know she didn’t feel the same because Sam never believed in herself. That’s an issue that I can’t do anything about, I have no control over other people.

I feel stupid, I feel like an idiot, I’m ashamed of myself. How the hell did I get it all so wrong? There’s no mystery here, it’s all there, I’ve seen it, I’ve watched SAM do it over and over. Sam has ghosted and ran away from every single person that she has ever known. Sam has done this to her parents, sister as well as me on a regular basis. She runs away, leaving others in chaos and couldn’t care less how her actions affect people, just so she gets her way.

There are 100’s of examples of how truly destructive she is when she wants to be. Her mother has serious issues and
has caused a lot of trauma for Sam, It’s a terrible thing to be part of, but a toxic family is by far the most dangerous. I know Sam’s whole family and likely her now wants to blame me, call me names and throw labels around.

Do they truly believe that in a matter of months, I was able to erase everything, Sam learned growing up in that family She forgot every lesson, every piece of advise that her parents gave her? I mean if that’s true, then Sam made her own decisions.

Sam decided that she did not want her family of origin in her life unless she needed to take responsibility and that they were bad people. Sam decided that she wanted to get to be with the source of her entire family problems, me. Yes, that’s a quote, her mother blames Sam and I for the fact that The Family Unit is falling apart and it’s our fault that the mother and sister and clinically depressed.

I guess it would be possible that I am a genius mastermind and I can perform inception on a whim on anyone. And with that power that only exists in movies, I decided to manipulate a woman much younger than me, that was afraid to communicate and was terrified to self-reflect for fear of what she may see. I used my magic to seduce a younger woman where I got all the headaches of dating younger and none of the perks. Yet another quote from the mother is that my powers only work on Sam, no one else. Sam is completely powerless to it because Sam is so unattractive, overweight and clueless. I wonder why Sam doesn’t believe in her self

I honestly don’t know how deep it goes in Sam, can she unlearn it? That was and has always been my one hope, for Sam.
I can feel that I am distorting things again, I am making excuses for Sam’s terrible behaviors.

I am not looking to shame Sam or imply that I didn’t make a lot of mistakes, but I need to do more than say she did bad things.

On 3 separate occasions, Sam for whatever reason decided to breakup with me 5 minutes before 3 separate Final Exams. Sam again threatened to leave and then left and her or her mother called the police to escort her to get her belongs. Sam repeatedly threatened to run away and live in a forest, to get away from me and her parents. Sam repeatedly stone-walled me anytime I attempted to express my feelings or needs.
Which almost always ended up in Sam running away and refusing to speak to me for a couple of days Sam threatened to hurt herself multiple times, she would try to bang her head against something. Sam even somehow while in an argument found a hypodermic needle in the parking lot, picked it up and said she would stab herself.

The end result was always the same, she would call and tell me to come and get her, she wanted to come back home. I always did go and get her, but we never talked about the problem or why it was happening. I was just relived that she was back home.

This is a lot to unpack and precess, but at least getting some of it and on paper helped a bit.